I started my job with a boyfriend and left the company married to a woman!

‘We want you to be able to bring your whole self to work’ they say.  We need ‘Authentic Leaders’ they shout. These terms are thrown around so regularly that people have become desensitized to what is actually meant by these terms and it undermines the intention, which is, of course, very positive.

But what if you feel like you can’t actually be yourself at work?  What if you’re actually coming to terms with your own identity and you’re not entirely sure what being ‘your true, authentic self’ really means?

As a member of the LGBTQI+ community, I have a personal perspective on this and so I wanted to share with you what it means when someone is coming to terms with accepting their true identity and feels that they actually CAN’T bring their ‘whole self’ to work! 

In my previous 'life' (i.e. before I started my own business!) I worked for an international corporate organisation, which I joined when I was in a committed relationship with a man.  Whilst I was in that relationship, it didn't really occur to me that I reaped the benefits of 'normative' heterosexual discussions around the office - by which I mean, when people assumed that I was a heterosexual (or ‘straight’) woman, when engaging in general office chat they would ask me about my weekend and when I talked about my plans (which included mentioning my boyfriend at the time), everything ran pretty 'smoothly'. 

However, fast-forward several years down the line when that heterosexual relationship ended, and I started a new relationship with a woman, I discovered that my conversation around the office was, for want of a better word, stifled. I found myself holding back and minimising my social interactions. In an organisation with thousands of employees, people that I met on a day to day basis continued to assume that I was a straight female, and I didn't always correct them.  Part of me wasn’t sure how to correct them.  I found it easier to let them believe I was straight and, afterwards, I felt guilty for not speaking out or correcting them.  When I talked about my weekends or my holiday plans, the language I used quickly became gender neutral, or non-specific - I was using terms like 'my partner' and 'the other half' and I found myself holding back from making deeper connections and building key relationships with individuals within the organisation. 

So what, I hear you ask?! Well, over time, this became pretty stressful to say the least. Not being able to be myself, by which I mean, not being able to share stories in full (without constantly fact-checking myself to make sure I wasn't revealing the gender of my partner) felt like having a huge boulder chained around my neck and being thrown into the Thames. It was debilitating. Without being able to connect with people, without being able to actually talk freely or to be myself (my authentic self!), I continued to hold back. My interactions with people at work were transactional and surface level. I didn't connect on a friendship level and I stayed disconnected, discontented and downright fed up.  In hindsight, there was a trust issue in place.  I didn’t know how people would react, in this ‘hetero-normative’ culture and for a long time, I didn’t trust them with the truth.  Looking back, I’m disappointed I waited so long to speak up, because I missed out on so much.  I missed out on the social connections that come hand in hand with being able to show up as yourself.  So, for me, NOT being able to be myself at work, was pretty horrendous.

As it turns out, my story has a pretty positive ending – I was presented with the opportunity to get involved in the creation of a workplace LGBTQI+ network group. Faced with the choice of regressing into obscurity and continuing to hold back from connecting with others, or opening up and embracing my identity, I (thankfully!) chose the latter, and I discovered that the organisation I was in was actually incredibly inclusive and that I could, in fact, be myself. I stopped wondering what others would think and I started to correct people when they assumed I was straight. Another few years later, I proudly spoke about getting hitched, and, after the big day, would refer to 'my wife' and I was fortunate enough to feel comfortable in an inclusive and accepting environment. This meant that I was then able to build deeper friendships and relationships across the business and overall my health and wellbeing improved dramatically. 

At the time, I didn't really understand that this self-censoring was holding me back, but looking back now I can see that the value in being able to bring 'your whole self' to work is extraordinary.  The headspace that you free up by just ‘being yourself’ is simply astounding.  I felt like a different person, in fact, I felt more like myself than I had ever felt.  I was happy, motivated and finally felt like I was able to connect with colleagues and peers because I was able to truly be myself.  I identify as a bisexual female in a long term civil partnership with a female. I often have assumptions made about me, but I let that go - I am who I am, and I show up as myself, 100%.  My headspace is now fully focussed on whatever task it needs to be focussed on, at that point in time!

So for anyone who is questioning how they show up, or whether to trust others with their truth, I would say it’s worth the leap of faith, after all, you’ll quickly discover that old adage ‘those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter’ rings true, every time.

 Michelle Horgan, Co-Founder